Boiled Egg

A boiled egg for breakfast is hard to beat.

:-)

 

Boomerang

 I used to compete in boomerang contents. 

I haven't competed in year. But I bet it would come back to me.

:-)

Fire Department

A friend of mine called the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood. The dispatcher asked her, "How do we get there?"

Her reply was, "Don't you still have those big red fire trucks?"

:-)

 

Soup

I went to the store to buy some soup,

but they were out of stock.

:-)

 

Rope Tying

I'm going to start a company that sells rope-tying instructions.

It will be a knot for profit organization.

:-)

 

Trigonometry

I think my trigonometry instructor was deaf.

She spoke in sine language

:-)

 

Door

Fixing a door is always more difficult than you think it should be . . .

Because it always hinges on something else.

:-)

 

Door Knocker

Question: Did the person who invented the door knocker receive a no-bell prize?

:-)

 

Podiatrist

I asked my friend the podiatrist about converting to metric.

He said he only knows about feet.

:-)

 

Sky

How was the sky created?

It was airborne.

:-)

 

Rare Commodity

I've been called a rare commodity. 

I wonder if they meant silver or gold? 

I guess I could be either ore.

:-)

 

Beverage

What's the favorite beverage of a boxer?

Punch.

:-)

 

Gullibility

I think I'll start a GoFundMe campaign called "Find out if you are gullible." 

Send me $1,000 to find out for sure!

:-)

Marijuana Store

If you only work 20 hours/week at the marijuana store, are you a pot time worker?

:-)

 

Tobacco Chewer

My neighbor is a tobacco chewer.

He's the spitting image of his dad.

:-)

 

Bagpipes

Why do bagpipers march when they play?

To get away from the noise.

:-)

 

Math Homework

Son: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?

Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.

Son: Well, at least you could try.

:-) 

Tobacco Lobby

I was once attacked by a tobacco lobbyist.

I have the cigars to prove it.

:-)

Pregnant Pun

I was asked if I could come up with a pun about pregnancy.

You know I can deliver.

:-)

 

Snowman Breakfast

What does a snowman eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes!

:-)

 

Hollywood Horse

My neighbor's horse moved to Hollywood.

He wants to play bit parts in movies.

:-)

Frog parking

 A frog parked his car illegally.

It was toad.

:-)

Cats

 If cats don't go to heaven, where do they go?

Purrrrgatory.

:-)

Pennies

The neighbor kid swallowed some pennies. His mother called the doctor and asked if she should bring him in to be seen.

The doctor said no. Just watch him for any change.

:-)

 

Pinwheel Jokes

Have you noticed that pinwheel jokes don't go around much?

:-)

 

Stealing Soap

My friend was accused of stealing soap.

But now he's been given a clean slate.

:-)

 

Tree Pun

Someone asked me for tree pun.

I was stumped.

:-)

 

Fish

How do fish pay their bills?

With sand dollars.

:-) 

Frank

If I were to be Frank,

I would have to change my name.

:-)

Magnets

I like people who collect magnets.

I'm attracted to them.

:-)

New Year Recycling

January 1st: Tomorrow's the first recycling pickup of the year.

I need to get my resolutions out to the curb by 7AM.

:-)

Job Application

My advice: 

If you want to work at the moisturizer company, you should apply daily.

:-)

Measuring

Just found out I get to be a judge in a measuring contest.

My decisions will be final and cannot be over-ruled.

:-) 

Descartes and Houdini

In my experience, meditating on Descartes and Houdini is liberating.

But the reason escapes me.

:-) 

Library

The tallest building in town is the library.

It has more stories than any other building.

:-)

 

Selfie

Is it possible to take your own picture but not be the main subject?

If so, you'd be selfie-facing.

:-)

 

Dog Barking

Another classic:

I figured out how to keep the dog from barking in the back seat of the car.

I put him in the front seat.

:-)

 

Bike Sale

If I decide to sell my bike,

I'll peddle it.

:-)

 

Time Flies

An all-time Classic:

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

:-)

 

Pirate Keys

Where did the pirate find his keys?

Florida.

:-)

Maintain Climbers

 I hear mountain climbers take their booze with them so they can have scotch on the rocks.

:-)

Mountains

I visited some funny mountains.

They were hill-areas.

:-)

Passing Out

A friend of mine passed out.

He doesn't have the faintest idea why.

Breeding Rabbits

 How can someone claim to breed rabbits?

They seem to do fine on their own!