God

God is the ultimate Cloud Service Provider.

:-)

Carpet

A local carpet store burned down.

The only thing left is remnants.

:-)

 

Beethoven

I know a pun about Beethoven, but I won't tell it. 

It would just fall on deaf ears.

:-)

Double Chin

One of my friends had a double chin.

Then he got rich.

Now he has a four chin.

:-)

Wi-fi

I love my wi-fi. 

I feel like I have a real connection.

:-)

Lancelot

What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?

A knight gown.

:-)

Worms

Worms on Noah's Ark did not arrive in pairs.

They arrived in apples.

:-)

Magician

I saw a magician who turns people into wind turbines.

I have to admit: I'm a big fan.

:-)

Dog

I bought a dog from a blacksmith.

As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.

:-)

Rabbit Love

Two rabbits fell in love . . .

and lived hoppily ever after.

:-)

Hippo college

Where do hippos go to college? Hippocampus.

:-)

Plumber

My neighbor the plumber says a flush beats a full house.

:-)

Hockey

Ice hockey is a cool sport.

:-)

Puppy

What do you call a puppy in Winter?

A chili dog!

:-)

Isaac Newton

How did Isaac Newton finally conclude that gravity exists?

He weighed the facts carefully.

:-)

Infinity

I was going to tell a joke about infinity, . . .

But it didn't have an ending.

:-)

Blood

I've never enjoyed donating blood. It's a draining procedure.

:-)

Skeleton

I found out where they imprison skeletons. 

In a rib cage!

:-)

Mouse

What does a 500 pound mouse say? "Here kitty, kitty, kitty."

:-)

Walking

My neighbor walked all day and only moved two feet. 

He only has two feet.

:-)

Potato

What do you call a hesitant potato? A hesitater.

:-)

Keys

What has lots of keys but can't open anything? A piano.

:-)

Rogaine

A friend of mine was frightened when he started using Rogaine. 

He said it was a hair-raising experience.

:-)

Dermatologists

Dermatologists are very competitive. They all have skin in the game. 

:-)

North Korean

I asked my North Korean friend how he likes living there. 

He said he can't complain.

:-)

Dog and Rose

What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A collie-flower.

:-)

Penicillin

Two penicillin lab workers fell in love. Now they plan to grow mold together.

:-)

 

Seamstress

My dry cleaner has a funny seamstress. She keeps me in stitches. 

:-)

Bridge

Driving over a bridge can really take its toll. 

:-)

Chef

I know a chef in a very stressful, busy restaurant. He refers to himself as a pressure cooker.

:-)

Social Media

Every forty seconds, someone shares a made-up statistic on social media. Really.

:-)

Impotence

My friend says he tried to search for "impotence" on Google. Nothing came up.

:-)

Pirate

What do you call an overweight pirate? A vast matey.

:-)

 

Walrus

I was asked to come up with a walrus pun. Let me tell you - That's no easy tusk.

:-)

Soldier

What's the worst month for a soldier? A long March.

:-)

Corn

A mama corn and a baby corn sat in front of me at the theater. No pop corn.

:-)

Food Coloring

I drank some food coloring. I feel like I've dyed a little on the inside.

:-)

Onions

Tired of crying when you cut onions? Don't get so emotionally attached! 

:-)

Pennies

The neighbor kid swallowed some pennies. His mother called the doctor and asked if she should bring him in to be seen.

The doctor said no. Just watch him for any change.

:-)

Pinwheel

Have you noticed that pinwheel jokes don't go around much?

:-)

Soap

My friend was accused of stealing soap. But now he's been given a clean slate.

:-)

Tree pun

Someone asked me for a tree pun. I was stumped.

:-)

Fish

How do fish pay their bills? With sand dollars.

:-)

Frank

If I were to be Frank, I would have to change my name.

:-)

Magnets

I like people who collect magnets. I'm attracted to them.

:-)

Moisturizer

My advice: If you want to work at the moisturizer company, you should apply yourself daily.

:-)

Sumo

I was watching the weigh-ins at the sumo wresting championship. It's really a large scale event!

:-)

Garden

I just read a story about a woman who had a small garden. Didn't have much of a plot.

:-)

Every Moment

Enjoy every moment. Or, as I like to say, "Enjoy the time that's hours"

:-)

Wheat Field

I took a photograph of a wheat field. It's grainy.

:-)

Book

 Wanted: Co-author for a book on self-reliance.

Just Kidding.

:-)

Shoes

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day.

:-)

Gambling

If you never gamble, you're just as bad as a gambler. You're no better.

:-)

Light Bulb

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb. One. But the light bulb has to want to change.

:-)

Zoo

Down at the zoo, the monkey scored the winning goal. The crowd went bananas.

:-)

The Groom

If the groom gets to the church when he's supposed to ... Is he in the rite place at the rite time?

:-)

Puns

What do you call a person who just downloaded 1,000 puns from the Internet? Well e-quipped.

:-)

Bad gift

I received a fancy cuspidor for Christmas. I returned it: It just didn't meet my expectorations.

:-)

Ski Resort

From the ski resort Safety team: With Great Powder Comes Great Responsibility.

:-)

Long Story

Have you noticed that when people say, "Long story short ..." It's always too late?

:-)

Bacteria

When bacteria finish school, do they germinate?

:-)

Butcher

Local butchers are planning a big dance. It's called the Meat Ball.

:-)

Cobra

My neighbor's cobra hid in his tuba. It was a real snake in the brass.

:-)

Church move

One of the local churches moved to a new location. The minister tells me it was his first organ transplant.

:-)

Wind

 A friend of mine disparages the wind. He is dis-gusting.

:-)

Lamp factory

I understand the local lamp factory is only open four days a week. They have a light workload.

:-)

Socks

What did the sock puppet say to the sock? Looks like you could use a hand.

:-)

Report Card

Note: Your child's January report card might not be good. Everything is marked down after Christmas.

:-)

Waves

I wanted to write a book about ocean waves. But I couldn't think of a tidal.

:-)

Henry Ford

Did Henry Ford ever write up his personal history? THAT would be an auto-biography!

:-)

Humans

We humans are like ripe fruit: we spoil easily.

:-)

Fish sale

They say there's a big sale at the fish market today. I don't know what the catch is.

:-)

Passed Out

A friend of mine passed out. He doesn't have the faintest idea why.

:-)

Books

A local high school music teacher has become very controversial. He encourages his students to read band books.

:-)

Rabbits

How can someone claim to breed rabbits? They seem to do fine on their own!

:-)

Song crime

When I say I break into song, it really means I just can't find the key.

:-)

Waiters

I really appreciate waiters and waitresses. They bring a lot to the table!

:-)

Trees

Trees are worried in the winter. In spring they'll be releaved.

:-)

Chapstick

I handed my friend a glue stick instead of Chapstick. She's still not talking to me.

:-)

Transplant

I was thinking about getting an organ transplant. But I just changed my mind.

Injury

I tried to console my friend after his groin injury. But he didn't want to talk about it. In fact, he was quite testy.

:-O

Vampire movie

If I invest in a vampire movie, will I be a stakeholder?

:-)

Cow New Year

What do you say to a cow on Jan. 1st? Happy Moo Year!

:-)

Resolution

Good morning and Happy New Year to all. My resolution this year is 1920 x 1080.

:-)

Rat

The rat at the club chewed a hole in the carpet. He wanted to see the floor show.

:-)

Library

I borrow a few books from the library, but I try not to overdue it.

:-)

Jack Russells

My neighbor was walking his dogs. I asked him if they were Jack Russells. He said, "No. They're mine."

:-)