Boiled Egg

A boiled egg for breakfast is hard to beat.

:-)

 

Boomerang

 I used to compete in boomerang contents. 

I haven't competed in year. But I bet it would come back to me.

:-)

Fire Department

A friend of mine called the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood. The dispatcher asked her, "How do we get there?"

Her reply was, "Don't you still have those big red fire trucks?"

:-)

 

Soup

I went to the store to buy some soup,

but they were out of stock.

:-)

 

Rope Tying

I'm going to start a company that sells rope-tying instructions.

It will be a knot for profit organization.

:-)

 

Trigonometry

I think my trigonometry instructor was deaf.

She spoke in sine language

:-)

 

Door

Fixing a door is always more difficult than you think it should be . . .

Because it always hinges on something else.

:-)

 

Door Knocker

Question: Did the person who invented the door knocker receive a no-bell prize?

:-)

 

Podiatrist

I asked my friend the podiatrist about converting to metric.

He said he only knows about feet.

:-)

 

Sky

How was the sky created?

It was airborne.

:-)

 

Rare Commodity

I've been called a rare commodity. 

I wonder if they meant silver or gold? 

I guess I could be either ore.

:-)

 

Beverage

What's the favorite beverage of a boxer?

Punch.

:-)

 

Gullibility

I think I'll start a GoFundMe campaign called "Find out if you are gullible." 

Send me $1,000 to find out for sure!

:-)

Marijuana Store

If you only work 20 hours/week at the marijuana store, are you a pot time worker?

:-)

 

Tobacco Chewer

My neighbor is a tobacco chewer.

He's the spitting image of his dad.

:-)

 

Bagpipes

Why do bagpipers march when they play?

To get away from the noise.

:-)

 

Math Homework

Son: Dad, would you do my math homework for me?

Dad: No, son, it wouldn’t be right.

Son: Well, at least you could try.

:-) 

Tobacco Lobby

I was once attacked by a tobacco lobbyist.

I have the cigars to prove it.

:-)

Pregnant Pun

I was asked if I could come up with a pun about pregnancy.

You know I can deliver.

:-)

 

Snowman Breakfast

What does a snowman eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes!

:-)

 

Hollywood Horse

My neighbor's horse moved to Hollywood.

He wants to play bit parts in movies.

:-)

Frog parking

 A frog parked his car illegally.

It was toad.

:-)

Cats

 If cats don't go to heaven, where do they go?

Purrrrgatory.

:-)

Pennies

The neighbor kid swallowed some pennies. His mother called the doctor and asked if she should bring him in to be seen.

The doctor said no. Just watch him for any change.

:-)

 

Pinwheel Jokes

Have you noticed that pinwheel jokes don't go around much?

:-)

 

Stealing Soap

My friend was accused of stealing soap.

But now he's been given a clean slate.

:-)

 

Tree Pun

Someone asked me for tree pun.

I was stumped.

:-)

 

Fish

How do fish pay their bills?

With sand dollars.

:-) 

Frank

If I were to be Frank,

I would have to change my name.

:-)

Magnets

I like people who collect magnets.

I'm attracted to them.

:-)

New Year Recycling

January 1st: Tomorrow's the first recycling pickup of the year.

I need to get my resolutions out to the curb by 7AM.

:-)

Job Application

My advice: 

If you want to work at the moisturizer company, you should apply daily.

:-)

Measuring

Just found out I get to be a judge in a measuring contest.

My decisions will be final and cannot be over-ruled.

:-) 

Descartes and Houdini

In my experience, meditating on Descartes and Houdini is liberating.

But the reason escapes me.

:-) 

Library

The tallest building in town is the library.

It has more stories than any other building.

:-)

 

Selfie

Is it possible to take your own picture but not be the main subject?

If so, you'd be selfie-facing.

:-)

 

Dog Barking

Another classic:

I figured out how to keep the dog from barking in the back seat of the car.

I put him in the front seat.

:-)

 

Bike Sale

If I decide to sell my bike,

I'll peddle it.

:-)

 

Time Flies

An all-time Classic:

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

:-)

 

Pirate Keys

Where did the pirate find his keys?

Florida.

:-)

Maintain Climbers

 I hear mountain climbers take their booze with them so they can have scotch on the rocks.

:-)

Mountains

I visited some funny mountains.

They were hill-areas.

:-)

Passing Out

A friend of mine passed out.

He doesn't have the faintest idea why.

Breeding Rabbits

 How can someone claim to breed rabbits?

They seem to do fine on their own!

Great Resignation

With the "Great Resignation" of 2022, sea captains experienced a crew cut.

:-)

Statistics

I once worked at the Bureau of Statistics.

They said they didn't need me.

I was just there to make up the numbers.

:-)

Brain Surgeon

I overheard a conversation today between a brain surgeon and an anesthesiologist.

It was mind numbing.

:-)

Hour Glass

My friend's hour glass only takes 30 minutes.

I think it's filled with quick sand.

:-)

Laughter

What goes Ha, ha, ha, plop?

Someone laughing his head off.

:-)

Alphabet

My friend always skips a letter when she sings the alphabet song.

She doesn't say Y.

:-)

Circus

My dog started a flea circus

. . . from scratch.

:-)

Diet

I started a new diet today, so I removed all the fattening foods from the house. 

They were delicious.

:-)

God

God is the ultimate Cloud Service Provider.

:-)

Carpet

A local carpet store burned down.

The only thing left is remnants.

:-)

 

Beethoven

I know a pun about Beethoven, but I won't tell it. 

It would just fall on deaf ears.

:-)

Double Chin

One of my friends had a double chin.

Then he got rich.

Now he has a four chin.

:-)

Wi-fi

I love my wi-fi. 

I feel like I have a real connection.

:-)

Lancelot

What did Sir Lancelot wear to bed?

A knight gown.

:-)

Worms

Worms on Noah's Ark did not arrive in pairs.

They arrived in apples.

:-)

Magician

I saw a magician who turns people into wind turbines.

I have to admit: I'm a big fan.

:-)

Dog

I bought a dog from a blacksmith.

As soon as we got home, he made a bolt for the door.

:-)

Rabbit Love

Two rabbits fell in love . . .

and lived hoppily ever after.

:-)

Hippo college

Where do hippos go to college? Hippocampus.

:-)

Plumber

My neighbor the plumber says a flush beats a full house.

:-)

Hockey

Ice hockey is a cool sport.

:-)

Puppy

What do you call a puppy in Winter?

A chili dog!

:-)

Isaac Newton

How did Isaac Newton finally conclude that gravity exists?

He weighed the facts carefully.

:-)

Infinity

I was going to tell a joke about infinity, . . .

But it didn't have an ending.

:-)

Blood

I've never enjoyed donating blood. It's a draining procedure.

:-)

Skeleton

I found out where they imprison skeletons. 

In a rib cage!

:-)

Mouse

What does a 500 pound mouse say? "Here kitty, kitty, kitty."

:-)

Walking

My neighbor walked all day and only moved two feet. 

He only has two feet.

:-)

Potato

What do you call a hesitant potato? A hesitater.

:-)

Keys

What has lots of keys but can't open anything? A piano.

:-)

Rogaine

A friend of mine was frightened when he started using Rogaine. 

He said it was a hair-raising experience.

:-)

Dermatologists

Dermatologists are very competitive. They all have skin in the game. 

:-)

North Korean

I asked my North Korean friend how he likes living there. 

He said he can't complain.

:-)

Dog and Rose

What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A collie-flower.

:-)

Penicillin

Two penicillin lab workers fell in love. Now they plan to grow mold together.

:-)

 

Seamstress

My dry cleaner has a funny seamstress. She keeps me in stitches. 

:-)

Bridge

Driving over a bridge can really take its toll. 

:-)

Chef

I know a chef in a very stressful, busy restaurant. He refers to himself as a pressure cooker.

:-)

Social Media

Every forty seconds, someone shares a made-up statistic on social media. Really.

:-)

Impotence

My friend says he tried to search for "impotence" on Google. Nothing came up.

:-)

Pirate

What do you call an overweight pirate? A vast matey.

:-)

 

Walrus

I was asked to come up with a walrus pun. Let me tell you - That's no easy tusk.

:-)

Soldier

What's the worst month for a soldier? A long March.

:-)

Corn

A mama corn and a baby corn sat in front of me at the theater. No pop corn.

:-)

Food Coloring

I drank some food coloring. I feel like I've dyed a little on the inside.

:-)

Onions

Tired of crying when you cut onions? Don't get so emotionally attached! 

:-)

Pennies

The neighbor kid swallowed some pennies. His mother called the doctor and asked if she should bring him in to be seen.

The doctor said no. Just watch him for any change.

:-)

Pinwheel

Have you noticed that pinwheel jokes don't go around much?

:-)

Soap

My friend was accused of stealing soap. But now he's been given a clean slate.

:-)

Tree pun

Someone asked me for a tree pun. I was stumped.

:-)

Fish

How do fish pay their bills? With sand dollars.

:-)

Frank

If I were to be Frank, I would have to change my name.

:-)

Magnets

I like people who collect magnets. I'm attracted to them.

:-)

Moisturizer

My advice: If you want to work at the moisturizer company, you should apply yourself daily.

:-)

Sumo

I was watching the weigh-ins at the sumo wresting championship. It's really a large scale event!

:-)

Garden

I just read a story about a woman who had a small garden. Didn't have much of a plot.

:-)